Yeah, that. Anxiety meds or something to help you sleep, something for your stomach. How long as this been going on?
[ The look Jason shoots him is good. It's very Jason, and that much Dick can appreciate, even after all of this. To think, how it took all this for him to feel this way. It's shitty all around. At least he can admit that now too.
Dick would probably think he was losing his own mind if Jason collapsed on him, but he'd get it. Dick can feel the tiredness seeping out of his bones in every direction. Withdrawal is hard and complicated. Even more so when it isn't like any other drug out there. ]
I even got you a milkshake. The cold might help.
[Dick digs into the bag and pulls it out, holding it up to him, then pulls over a small crate that's on the balcony and sets the bag of food down. Jason thanking him is taken in stride with a small nod. It's not the first thank you Dick's gotten from him recently, and just goes to show how much things have shifted.]
( Jason shrugged off the suggestion even though he was the one to bring it up. Think he's had enough of meds, anyway.
As for how long its been going on... Mm, let him think. Jason's head knocked back against the concrete divider between his apartment and the next, his eyes looked up at the concrete of the balcony above him, and for a moment he'd forgotten what Dick had even asked. Stickly curls stuck to a dirty greasy face, yeah it was pretty much like being at home. They often got their electricity or water turned off. Places like this half the time it wasn't even because you didn't pay rent or bills, it was just because places like this sucked. It just reminded him of home so much.
Wait, Dick asked a question. A finger came up to scratch at the side of his nose. ) Can't remember, really. Shit sort of blurs together. It's not as bad as it was. Might be coming around, actually.
( Felt like a lie sometimes; felt like a big lie. Felt like this was never going to end. He knew this was what it always felt like; it's why it was so hard. Seconds turn into minutes, minutes to hours, hours to days. He quietly takes the drink and almost smashes it (gently) against the side of his face. Oh, yeah. That's nice. )
Yeah, wellβ you know me. You can kick me out of Gotham but you can't kick the Gotham out of me.( A moment. ) You probably also can't kick me out of Gotham, actually. But I figured the porkers wanted to hear some shit about why they'll never have to deal with me again and for a real split second I considered it.
( His eyes turn down to watch Dick pull up a crate and start unpacking food. No, no this was home. This was all he wanted. This was all he ever fucking wanted. It wasn't found in mansions. It wasn't found in money. )
[ More medication might not help, it's true, but Dick wants to think he could find something to ease all of this. Or maybe... maybe Jason's got to get through it on his own like this, to know that he can do it. That he can do better on his own terms.
He watches as Jason drifts away in thought, and for a moment he almost reaches out to hold onto his shoulder to try and ground him, but that's never been their thing either. ]
You'll feel better once it really is over. And not just physically.
[ Though he wonders if Jason will ever feel okay again. Has Jason ever really been okay, though? Maybe not, but this kind of guilt can weigh on a person. He knows it well. Zucco, Jericho, maybe not the same as Hank, but their blood is still on his hands.
At least there are small things that can help Jason feel a little better for now. The milkshake, the food, and hopefully the company.]
It's better if you stay. In the end I think it's better.
[ What would Jason do out there, aimlessly? At least here there's less of a chance of him drifting- although that's what he thought to himself in the first place, one Jason left the Tower and headed back to Gotham. How very wrong he was. But this is home, for both him and Jason, even if it took them a long time go get here. ]
And you know, then I'd have a longer way to track you down on your birthday.
( Yeah, yeah there's a big part of him that wants to do this the hard way. Then again, some substances can... legitimately kill you without chemical intervention, but he's made it this far and it's been bad but not that bad. There was really no telling, either. What would interact with what. It'd be easier to rush him in for care than cause a bad side effect. )
I think Gordan will disagree with you but she'll get over it.
( As for being okay... probably not. He'll never get over what he did to Hank. That blood will always be on his hands; the weight will always be on his shoulders. He'll learn, eventually, how to carry it. But that's all he can do. Carry it. )
I need to make amends. In my own way, at least. ( He rolls a bit after putting down the shake and fishes out a pack of smokes to spark one up. Take a nice long drag off it. ) Which she'll also hate, but whatever. ( This was home. And someone needed to protect the places no one else would. Bruce only touched the Alley once a year, and never touched the Narrows. Someone had to.
What comes next makes him pause, though. Hold on a moment, what fucking day was itβ ) Oh, Uhβ ( he shrugs and looks away. Heart racing. Someone gave a shit; Dick gave a shit and he didn't know how to feel about it. ) Why celebrate? I mean. I'm technically dead.
[ Dick would hope that Jason would reach out to him if he felt like he was on the verge of dying. He looks rough right now, but it doesn't look dire, and he knows this is just one of those things Jason needs to get through. It takes a strong person to get through all of this, even if Jason might not feel very strong at the moment. ]
She cares a lot about you too, you know. Give her time, she'll come around.
[ Jason making amends is important. Not just for Gotham and the people he hurt, but for himself too. Dick's been trying to make his own amends too, so he gets it. But still, he wonders... ]
Why do you think she'll hate you making amends?
[ Jason's reaction is not surprising, and Dick knew it might be a touchy subject either way, but he didn't want this day to go completely forgotten. Jason died and now he's alive again, and no matter what happened in between, Jason alive is always going to be better than Jason dead. ]
But you're not dead. You're sitting here with me, having this conversation, and you have no idea how relieved I am about that.
[ Dick hesitates, but then he reaches out, running his fingers through Jason's hair. Sweaty and dirty, he doesn't care. ]
You're not alone, alright? I wanted you to know that.
Babs? ( A brow flicked up. ) Please, we barely know one another. ( He dismissed the idea and goes fishing for a smoke. Hasn't touched the food yet but that milkshake is being put to work as a cold compress. Its not that he isn't hungry or grateful. He's just not sure how well he stomachs meals yet. )
She's a cop, isn't it in their blood to hate street kids? That aside, if she's any good at being a cop then she's obligated to act when I shoot a gangster in the head. You're not, you're just likely to. ( He inhaled, putting aside the milkshake to lay back against the cement balcony wall again. That was always going to be a point of contention. He knew it, he was prepared for it. Jason was just as angry as he had always been. It just... it had more focus, now. And he's left the need to impress people behind.
The hand shook him out of those thoughts, though. And for a moment those pale blue eyes locked with Grasyon's warm browns. A lot of emotions bubbled up. A lot of conflicting ones. He let it be there for a moment before moving to brush it off, eyes casting offward. )
[ But Jason's always been the type to dismiss that sort of thing. He gets it, but he knows Babs cared about him. ]
You know, she's the one that got me to open up about everything that happened with you. To face it all. She doesn't hate you.
[Dick doesn't mind if Jason doesn't eat right now, as long as he easts at some point, maybe when he's feeling a little better. He does mind the idea of Jason going out and shooting gangsters in the head, though he's not at all surprised by it.]
Is that what you're planning to do?
[Dick still can't get over how much clearer Jason's eyes are now, when he looks at him. It's painful to think about how deep he got sucked in before this. With Crane, with those drugs, with his anger, fear and pain. Dick lets his hand get brushed away, giving a small nod because yeah, he gets that too. He unwraps his burger instead, taking a bite.]
I'm not going to tell you there's another way. You already know what's out there. Bruce's ways never quite worked for me either.
( He wasn't expecting to hear that first part. You know, the whole Babs not actually thinking he's an unstable psychopath and honestly Jason wouldn't be able to blame her for thinking that. He was, sort of. Wasn't everyone who came under Bruce's care? Problem wasn't that Jason dismissed it, though. The problem was that he couldn't believe it. And maybe things would have ended the same way whether or not the Titans actually gave him a fucking chance.
And you know, that's sort of what he'd been thinking about lately. During this whole getting clean bullshit. Just how inevitable it all fucking was. Like he said on the ledge of that roof. And he was ready to walk, he really was. Jason just has this curse that follows him around and its not any supernatural garbage, its him. It's just who he fucking is. As a person.
And that was kind of hard to swallow but he always knew it. Why else did he do all the stupid shit he did? In the midst of all this, his hardcore zoning out and chain-smoking, Dick's question knocked him out of it. hard to hide from all the shit when your head is swarming and you can't be as active as you usually are due to withdrawal. )
No, she doesn't hate you. But yeah, what if I am? ( At least, even though he did just zone the fuck out it was a lot less drug-induced and a lot more I'm going through withdrawal and facing a bunch of my personal thoughts about myself. Which was a lot more alive and himself than he'd been in some time.
More on that later: Dick justβ well he didn't agree but he also didn't disagree. Jason peered back over to him. ) Some people deserve to die, Dick. Joker deserved to die. ( He's quiet about that one for a moment because, you know, never would Jason have believed Bruce would ever do something like that. For him. It was... shocking. But he was thankful, and maybe it was part of what helped him heal a lot faster than he might have. Horrible as that was to say. ) You, Bats, the rest of them all. You can have the weirdos. Calendar Man's in your arena, have at it. Go mad with Mad Hatter, I don't give a shit. They get in my way, I might have a problem. Otherwise, whatever.
The mobsters, though? People who prey on the disenfranchised and mentally unwell, use kids, and pump drugs into low-income homes. Those guys are mine, Dick.
[ Dick's not so sure it was all inevitable. He knows he could have done better in a lot of ways, but especially with Jason. If he had, would they still be here on the other side of a war zone? If the rest of the Titans had given Jason a chance, would it have gotten this bad? He's not sure, but in the end it doesn't matter. They can't change it. All they can do is go from here, and he wants to be here this time.
Some might say it's too late, but Dick doesn't think so. He knows it's not, just based on the fact that they're both sitting here together tonight, talking about all of this.
What if I am? Jason asks, and Dick wonders. What would he do? He knows what Babs would do, but would he do the same? He lets out a long sigh, grabbing the milkshake to take a sip, then sets it back down in front of Jason. He's quiet as Jason explains himself, and it all seems so much more rational than anything the other has said in a long time. He's quiet for even longer than that, mulling it over in his head. ]
You remember when Trigon was here, inside our heads, showing us our darkest paths? You were there in mine, coming to ask for help, trying to get me to come back to Gotham so I could stop Bruce from killing the Joker. I did go back to try and stop him but it was all too late. He killed Joker, he stormed Arkham and he killed everyone there too. He was almost unstoppable and in the end I killed him to stop him. But that wasn't the reality of it and it won't ever be. It's not that black and white. I get that.
You and I, we've been on both sides of this- life and death- and I know what it's like to come out on the other side. That's why I came to find you, and that's why I'm going to tell you this. I don't like it, I don't agree with it, but I'm not going to stand in your way.
But Jason... think about your lines. The ones you draw for yourself. Don't cross them. All of that can get blurry real fast, and you know where that gets us.
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no subject
Date: 2022-08-28 02:51 am (UTC)[ The look Jason shoots him is good. It's very Jason, and that much Dick can appreciate, even after all of this. To think, how it took all this for him to feel this way. It's shitty all around. At least he can admit that now too.
Dick would probably think he was losing his own mind if Jason collapsed on him, but he'd get it. Dick can feel the tiredness seeping out of his bones in every direction. Withdrawal is hard and complicated. Even more so when it isn't like any other drug out there. ]
I even got you a milkshake. The cold might help.
[Dick digs into the bag and pulls it out, holding it up to him, then pulls over a small crate that's on the balcony and sets the bag of food down. Jason thanking him is taken in stride with a small nod. It's not the first thank you Dick's gotten from him recently, and just goes to show how much things have shifted.]
I had a feeling you'd decide to stay in Gotham.
no subject
Date: 2022-08-28 08:41 pm (UTC)As for how long its been going on... Mm, let him think. Jason's head knocked back against the concrete divider between his apartment and the next, his eyes looked up at the concrete of the balcony above him, and for a moment he'd forgotten what Dick had even asked. Stickly curls stuck to a dirty greasy face, yeah it was pretty much like being at home. They often got their electricity or water turned off. Places like this half the time it wasn't even because you didn't pay rent or bills, it was just because places like this sucked. It just reminded him of home so much.
Wait, Dick asked a question. A finger came up to scratch at the side of his nose. ) Can't remember, really. Shit sort of blurs together. It's not as bad as it was. Might be coming around, actually.
( Felt like a lie sometimes; felt like a big lie. Felt like this was never going to end. He knew this was what it always felt like; it's why it was so hard. Seconds turn into minutes, minutes to hours, hours to days. He quietly takes the drink and almost smashes it (gently) against the side of his face. Oh, yeah. That's nice. )
Yeah, wellβ you know me. You can kick me out of Gotham but you can't kick the Gotham out of me.( A moment. ) You probably also can't kick me out of Gotham, actually. But I figured the porkers wanted to hear some shit about why they'll never have to deal with me again and for a real split second I considered it.
( His eyes turn down to watch Dick pull up a crate and start unpacking food. No, no this was home. This was all he wanted. This was all he ever fucking wanted. It wasn't found in mansions. It wasn't found in money. )
no subject
Date: 2022-08-30 01:32 am (UTC)He watches as Jason drifts away in thought, and for a moment he almost reaches out to hold onto his shoulder to try and ground him, but that's never been their thing either. ]
You'll feel better once it really is over. And not just physically.
[ Though he wonders if Jason will ever feel okay again. Has Jason ever really been okay, though? Maybe not, but this kind of guilt can weigh on a person. He knows it well. Zucco, Jericho, maybe not the same as Hank, but their blood is still on his hands.
At least there are small things that can help Jason feel a little better for now. The milkshake, the food, and hopefully the company.]
It's better if you stay. In the end I think it's better.
[ What would Jason do out there, aimlessly? At least here there's less of a chance of him drifting- although that's what he thought to himself in the first place, one Jason left the Tower and headed back to Gotham. How very wrong he was. But this is home, for both him and Jason, even if it took them a long time go get here. ]
And you know, then I'd have a longer way to track you down on your birthday.
no subject
Date: 2022-08-30 12:53 pm (UTC)I think Gordan will disagree with you but she'll get over it.
( As for being okay... probably not. He'll never get over what he did to Hank. That blood will always be on his hands; the weight will always be on his shoulders. He'll learn, eventually, how to carry it. But that's all he can do. Carry it. )
I need to make amends. In my own way, at least. ( He rolls a bit after putting down the shake and fishes out a pack of smokes to spark one up. Take a nice long drag off it. ) Which she'll also hate, but whatever. ( This was home. And someone needed to protect the places no one else would. Bruce only touched the Alley once a year, and never touched the Narrows. Someone had to.
What comes next makes him pause, though. Hold on a moment, what fucking day was itβ ) Oh, Uhβ ( he shrugs and looks away. Heart racing. Someone gave a shit; Dick gave a shit and he didn't know how to feel about it. ) Why celebrate? I mean. I'm technically dead.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-10 06:57 pm (UTC)She cares a lot about you too, you know. Give her time, she'll come around.
[ Jason making amends is important. Not just for Gotham and the people he hurt, but for himself too. Dick's been trying to make his own amends too, so he gets it. But still, he wonders... ]
Why do you think she'll hate you making amends?
[ Jason's reaction is not surprising, and Dick knew it might be a touchy subject either way, but he didn't want this day to go completely forgotten. Jason died and now he's alive again, and no matter what happened in between, Jason alive is always going to be better than Jason dead. ]
But you're not dead. You're sitting here with me, having this conversation, and you have no idea how relieved I am about that.
[ Dick hesitates, but then he reaches out, running his fingers through Jason's hair. Sweaty and dirty, he doesn't care. ]
You're not alone, alright? I wanted you to know that.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-12 11:28 pm (UTC)She's a cop, isn't it in their blood to hate street kids? That aside, if she's any good at being a cop then she's obligated to act when I shoot a gangster in the head. You're not, you're just likely to. ( He inhaled, putting aside the milkshake to lay back against the cement balcony wall again. That was always going to be a point of contention. He knew it, he was prepared for it. Jason was just as angry as he had always been. It just... it had more focus, now. And he's left the need to impress people behind.
The hand shook him out of those thoughts, though. And for a moment those pale blue eyes locked with Grasyon's warm browns. A lot of emotions bubbled up. A lot of conflicting ones. He let it be there for a moment before moving to brush it off, eyes casting offward. )
no subject
Date: 2022-09-12 11:44 pm (UTC)[ But Jason's always been the type to dismiss that sort of thing. He gets it, but he knows Babs cared about him. ]
You know, she's the one that got me to open up about everything that happened with you. To face it all. She doesn't hate you.
[Dick doesn't mind if Jason doesn't eat right now, as long as he easts at some point, maybe when he's feeling a little better. He does mind the idea of Jason going out and shooting gangsters in the head, though he's not at all surprised by it.]
Is that what you're planning to do?
[Dick still can't get over how much clearer Jason's eyes are now, when he looks at him. It's painful to think about how deep he got sucked in before this. With Crane, with those drugs, with his anger, fear and pain. Dick lets his hand get brushed away, giving a small nod because yeah, he gets that too. He unwraps his burger instead, taking a bite.]
I'm not going to tell you there's another way. You already know what's out there. Bruce's ways never quite worked for me either.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-19 08:59 pm (UTC)And you know, that's sort of what he'd been thinking about lately. During this whole getting clean bullshit. Just how inevitable it all fucking was. Like he said on the ledge of that roof. And he was ready to walk, he really was. Jason just has this curse that follows him around and its not any supernatural garbage, its him. It's just who he fucking is. As a person.
And that was kind of hard to swallow but he always knew it. Why else did he do all the stupid shit he did? In the midst of all this, his hardcore zoning out and chain-smoking, Dick's question knocked him out of it. hard to hide from all the shit when your head is swarming and you can't be as active as you usually are due to withdrawal. )
No, she doesn't hate you. But yeah, what if I am? ( At least, even though he did just zone the fuck out it was a lot less drug-induced and a lot more I'm going through withdrawal and facing a bunch of my personal thoughts about myself. Which was a lot more alive and himself than he'd been in some time.
More on that later: Dick justβ well he didn't agree but he also didn't disagree. Jason peered back over to him. ) Some people deserve to die, Dick. Joker deserved to die. ( He's quiet about that one for a moment because, you know, never would Jason have believed Bruce would ever do something like that. For him. It was... shocking. But he was thankful, and maybe it was part of what helped him heal a lot faster than he might have. Horrible as that was to say. ) You, Bats, the rest of them all. You can have the weirdos. Calendar Man's in your arena, have at it. Go mad with Mad Hatter, I don't give a shit. They get in my way, I might have a problem. Otherwise, whatever.
The mobsters, though? People who prey on the disenfranchised and mentally unwell, use kids, and pump drugs into low-income homes. Those guys are mine, Dick.
no subject
Date: 2022-10-02 10:00 pm (UTC)Some might say it's too late, but Dick doesn't think so. He knows it's not, just based on the fact that they're both sitting here together tonight, talking about all of this.
What if I am? Jason asks, and Dick wonders. What would he do? He knows what Babs would do, but would he do the same? He lets out a long sigh, grabbing the milkshake to take a sip, then sets it back down in front of Jason. He's quiet as Jason explains himself, and it all seems so much more rational than anything the other has said in a long time. He's quiet for even longer than that, mulling it over in his head. ]
You remember when Trigon was here, inside our heads, showing us our darkest paths? You were there in mine, coming to ask for help, trying to get me to come back to Gotham so I could stop Bruce from killing the Joker. I did go back to try and stop him but it was all too late. He killed Joker, he stormed Arkham and he killed everyone there too. He was almost unstoppable and in the end I killed him to stop him. But that wasn't the reality of it and it won't ever be. It's not that black and white. I get that.
You and I, we've been on both sides of this- life and death- and I know what it's like to come out on the other side. That's why I came to find you, and that's why I'm going to tell you this. I don't like it, I don't agree with it, but I'm not going to stand in your way.
But Jason... think about your lines. The ones you draw for yourself. Don't cross them. All of that can get blurry real fast, and you know where that gets us.