[ Dick is there, already going through one coffee, but he'll definitely have a second once Jason gets here. He's already well on his way to pushing his initial tiredness away by the time Jason's shows.
Dick's got a few spotty bruises along his jaw as well, but Jason's split lip is hard to beat. Especially because it makes those lips that much harder not to stare at.
He raises a hand when Jason starts looking around for him and waits for him to come over, glad that he actually showed. He could really get used to it, though he knows he shouldn't just yet. ]
[ Dick keeps his tone light, though it's not hard to do, considering brightness in Jason's smile, even if it's gone quick, and his slouchy nature, which always lingers. ]
Looks like you got into it last night. Did you ice that lip?
[ He knows he's going to get a dad comment or something of the sort, but he just can't help himself. he slides a menu over to Jason while he's at it. ]
Why do you hate yourself? Sugar's not gonna kill you.
[Jason pokes through the menu some more, but sighs, clearly fighting with himself before groaning. The thing is, it's a funny story, even if it's at his expense.]
Okay, so shut up before I tell you this. I wasn't doing shit but some recon last night. But before I got to the spot, I grabbed food, and a couple of blocks over I heard someone yelling. So I went to check it out and a couple of dumb kids were taking off with this old lady's chicken. I didn't even know people could have chickens here if they weren't in a bucket. So I grabbed the chicken to give back. The little shit bit me and I almost dropped it, and had to grab it again, wasn't looking, and when I stood up the old lady clocked me with a purse full of rolls of nickels 'cause she thought I was one of the kids.
[He shrugs.]
But she gave me free dinner when she realized. Pretty damn good, too.
[ It's a hard deal, picking up Gotham piece by piece after everything that happened here. Bruce rode back in on the wings of recovery, but there's still a long way to go. For them, for Gotham, for Jason.
Dick can't stop thinking about him- how much he helped them in the end, how he came back to make his peace with Bruce. How no matter what Jason put out there, he really was just trying to find his place, and now he's displaced yet again. He'll never forgive Jason for killing Hank, but all of this is so much more complicated than that. He can't forget the way Jason sounded when he asked to come back home.
Despite what Jason told Bruce, Dick's almost positive that Jason isn't going to leave Gotham, and neither will he or the Titans. Maybe they should, but setting things back on track here in Gotham feels like a priority. Dick knows it's his mess to clean up anyway, just as much as Red Hood's.
In the end it's the date that convinces Dick to reach out, though he waffles with what to say for half the day before he finally just sends a message.]
( This wasn't what he wanted. This was never what he wanted. Gotham was his home. He wanted things to be better, he wanted the people to finally feel listened to and the assholes who really made shit bad, the mobsters that ran Gotham, to finally get their just desserts. That was his plan, and why he thought that Scarecrow would be on his side for any of it... It was stupid. He was stupid.
But he wasn't afraid anymore. Drugs or no fucking drugs, he was done. It's just... that all of Gotham had to experience Jason fucking Todd's journey to find himself after being dead as shit, bro. He's never going to forgive himself for some of the things that he's done either. And maybe some part of him hoped-- no, a big part of him hoped that someone else could do it for him. But he knew they couldn't.
So he made his amends as much as he could. To Bruce, to Dick. And for the first while did consider picking up and heading out. Just leaving it all behind. But Gotham was his home, and it was dirty, and violent, and even Hell itself might be nicer, but it was his. And he could fill in a gap he knew Bruce wouldn't touch. He knew he could.
But first: putting shit back together.
The text was--eh, surprising, yeah. Wasn't really expecting to be in contact with anyone after all that. Frankly, Jason's been so preoccupied he hadn't even noticed the date. Molly might have said something but, you know. He's kind of been avoiding her. )
[ Dick knows he might not get a response from Jason. They parted on surprisingly decent terms, considering everything that had happened, but that doesn't mean all is well. And yet he's hopeful, because all of their worlds have shifted, and maybe now they can work something out.
With all of that in mind, Jason texting him back is a relief. ]
Wherever works best for you. I know you're laying low.
[The last thing Dick wants is to drag him out into the wide open when there are still quite a few people gunning for Red Hood.]
( How does he reinvent himself from here? When everything went exactly the way he didn't want it to. The people he wanted to help were hurt just the same. He didn't agree with the way Batman did things; with the way the Titan's did things... he's learned that much now, but what happened back there. )
I'll send a pin.
( A few moments later a pin came in, and it was exactly where Dick likely expected. Deep into the Narrows; the top floor of one of many crammed highrise buildings. It was exactly what someone would expect it to look like. Small, a mattress for a bed and a couch. Milk crates for tables. The fridge was loud. The stove was old. The lighting worked sometimes, but brownouts were frequent. The TV was ancient and there was no AC. Just some old fans.
But it was fine. He's lived like this before, but when Dick arrives it's the shitty concrete balcony where Jay could be found. Sitting, hidden behind the slab walls. Smoking a cigarette. And he looked worst for wear. Sweaty beyond what summer should have someone, tired. )
[ He isn't surprised at all by the location when he gets the pin. He figured he might be heading to the Narrows tonight. The last time Dick was there, it was in worse shape than usual. Crane did a number on Gotham, but as Jason knows, certain parts always get hit harder. ]
Be there soon.
[ He messages back, then heads out, stopping at Jason's favorite burger joint to grab them some food. He's not sure how Jason's doing, but the guy's gotta eat either way- Especially on his birthday- hopefully always. Dick knows how things used to be for him before Bruce.
When he gets to the address Jason dropped he heads into the building and up the stairs, knocking on Jason's door. Once, twice, before he decides to head inside. He's hesitant, but there's this worry that spikes inside of him as well, which pushes him forward, slowly glancing around the place as he moves through it. There's not much to move through, not a whole lot to look at, but he does spot the open window and the smell of cigarette smoke wafting inside. Dick realizes then how tense he's been because he really didn't know what he'd find. ]
Jason?
[He calls out finally, sticking his head out the window.]
( The Narrows also didn't like him. No one liked him nowhere. Guess that's what he gets, Jason fucked up big time. People were a lot less likely to try anything here, though. As much as he hated to admit it, the people here were more likely to shut up and hide; mind their own business. And the criminals? Well, he could deal with those.
Not in this state, though. Which honestly, he could be worse. He'd tried to stop drinking once and that was a fucking nightmare. Jason had some experience with the whole withdrawal thing already, and he had vivid memories when his mom tried a few times. She did try, she did... and he'd forgotten that. He'd been so mad at her and himself over that lethal dose he'd forgotten that she never wanted to be that way. It's just sometimes... sometimes the pain is too much. And wasn't that why he started drinking in the first place?
Yeah, like it or not he was a lot like his mother. And about as stupid as his father. He really was their child. )
Sup. ( As far as looks go, well he could honestly look worse, too. Didn't look great. Sweaty and kind of waxy skin. Extremely tired eyes. His hands had a bit of a shake to them when they plucked the smoke from his lips. ) What, you never seen a dumbass in withdrawal before?
[ Jason doesn't look great. He really doesn't and yet when Dick climbs out the window to join him, the first thing he notices is that even through all this, at least his eyes don't have that vacant look, even if they're red rimmed and glassy. At least there's something alive in there there now. ]
You should have told me.
[ Or maybe he should have known better, but he had no idea what would happen with this drug, or if Jason really was clean when they spoke in those tunnels. He did as much with the drug as he could, but he never did find out much about it. ]
I could have brought something to help.
[Dick frowns, holding the fast food bag up as he comes to sit next to Jason, resisting the urge to check his vitals and all that.]
( That much was true. Jason's entire existence didn't look empty anymore. His eyes weren't vacant. He didn't have that... look, the look of a shell of a person. And while he'll probably never lose the edge that he gained after everything that had happened, he'll never come back from some of the things he's done, he looked human again. He acted human again. He even sounded human again. A kind of human that was distinctly Jason Todd.
Speaking of, he shoots Dick a look. ) Like what, dude? We have no idea what can help with this shit outside of anxiety meds, maybe. ( He shrugs. ) Probably wont help with anything else, though. ( He hasn't quit drinking, yet. One thing at a time. But he's drinking a lot less.
There's a moment. His eyes shift over to where Grayson sits beside him, and his urge? Honestly? He just wants to collapse on him. They'd never been that close. He hadn't been that close with anyone in a long time and... he didn't really want to count Rose in all that. But Jason was tired. God, he was tired. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally fucking tired. )
Food's good, man. Thanks. ( A shocker, that. He said thanks. )
Yeah, that. Anxiety meds or something to help you sleep, something for your stomach. How long as this been going on?
[ The look Jason shoots him is good. It's very Jason, and that much Dick can appreciate, even after all of this. To think, how it took all this for him to feel this way. It's shitty all around. At least he can admit that now too.
Dick would probably think he was losing his own mind if Jason collapsed on him, but he'd get it. Dick can feel the tiredness seeping out of his bones in every direction. Withdrawal is hard and complicated. Even more so when it isn't like any other drug out there. ]
I even got you a milkshake. The cold might help.
[Dick digs into the bag and pulls it out, holding it up to him, then pulls over a small crate that's on the balcony and sets the bag of food down. Jason thanking him is taken in stride with a small nod. It's not the first thank you Dick's gotten from him recently, and just goes to show how much things have shifted.]
( Jason shrugged off the suggestion even though he was the one to bring it up. Think he's had enough of meds, anyway.
As for how long its been going on... Mm, let him think. Jason's head knocked back against the concrete divider between his apartment and the next, his eyes looked up at the concrete of the balcony above him, and for a moment he'd forgotten what Dick had even asked. Stickly curls stuck to a dirty greasy face, yeah it was pretty much like being at home. They often got their electricity or water turned off. Places like this half the time it wasn't even because you didn't pay rent or bills, it was just because places like this sucked. It just reminded him of home so much.
Wait, Dick asked a question. A finger came up to scratch at the side of his nose. ) Can't remember, really. Shit sort of blurs together. It's not as bad as it was. Might be coming around, actually.
( Felt like a lie sometimes; felt like a big lie. Felt like this was never going to end. He knew this was what it always felt like; it's why it was so hard. Seconds turn into minutes, minutes to hours, hours to days. He quietly takes the drink and almost smashes it (gently) against the side of his face. Oh, yeah. That's nice. )
Yeah, wellβ you know me. You can kick me out of Gotham but you can't kick the Gotham out of me.( A moment. ) You probably also can't kick me out of Gotham, actually. But I figured the porkers wanted to hear some shit about why they'll never have to deal with me again and for a real split second I considered it.
( His eyes turn down to watch Dick pull up a crate and start unpacking food. No, no this was home. This was all he wanted. This was all he ever fucking wanted. It wasn't found in mansions. It wasn't found in money. )
[ More medication might not help, it's true, but Dick wants to think he could find something to ease all of this. Or maybe... maybe Jason's got to get through it on his own like this, to know that he can do it. That he can do better on his own terms.
He watches as Jason drifts away in thought, and for a moment he almost reaches out to hold onto his shoulder to try and ground him, but that's never been their thing either. ]
You'll feel better once it really is over. And not just physically.
[ Though he wonders if Jason will ever feel okay again. Has Jason ever really been okay, though? Maybe not, but this kind of guilt can weigh on a person. He knows it well. Zucco, Jericho, maybe not the same as Hank, but their blood is still on his hands.
At least there are small things that can help Jason feel a little better for now. The milkshake, the food, and hopefully the company.]
It's better if you stay. In the end I think it's better.
[ What would Jason do out there, aimlessly? At least here there's less of a chance of him drifting- although that's what he thought to himself in the first place, one Jason left the Tower and headed back to Gotham. How very wrong he was. But this is home, for both him and Jason, even if it took them a long time go get here. ]
And you know, then I'd have a longer way to track you down on your birthday.
( Yeah, yeah there's a big part of him that wants to do this the hard way. Then again, some substances can... legitimately kill you without chemical intervention, but he's made it this far and it's been bad but not that bad. There was really no telling, either. What would interact with what. It'd be easier to rush him in for care than cause a bad side effect. )
I think Gordan will disagree with you but she'll get over it.
( As for being okay... probably not. He'll never get over what he did to Hank. That blood will always be on his hands; the weight will always be on his shoulders. He'll learn, eventually, how to carry it. But that's all he can do. Carry it. )
I need to make amends. In my own way, at least. ( He rolls a bit after putting down the shake and fishes out a pack of smokes to spark one up. Take a nice long drag off it. ) Which she'll also hate, but whatever. ( This was home. And someone needed to protect the places no one else would. Bruce only touched the Alley once a year, and never touched the Narrows. Someone had to.
What comes next makes him pause, though. Hold on a moment, what fucking day was itβ ) Oh, Uhβ ( he shrugs and looks away. Heart racing. Someone gave a shit; Dick gave a shit and he didn't know how to feel about it. ) Why celebrate? I mean. I'm technically dead.
[ Dick would hope that Jason would reach out to him if he felt like he was on the verge of dying. He looks rough right now, but it doesn't look dire, and he knows this is just one of those things Jason needs to get through. It takes a strong person to get through all of this, even if Jason might not feel very strong at the moment. ]
She cares a lot about you too, you know. Give her time, she'll come around.
[ Jason making amends is important. Not just for Gotham and the people he hurt, but for himself too. Dick's been trying to make his own amends too, so he gets it. But still, he wonders... ]
Why do you think she'll hate you making amends?
[ Jason's reaction is not surprising, and Dick knew it might be a touchy subject either way, but he didn't want this day to go completely forgotten. Jason died and now he's alive again, and no matter what happened in between, Jason alive is always going to be better than Jason dead. ]
But you're not dead. You're sitting here with me, having this conversation, and you have no idea how relieved I am about that.
[ Dick hesitates, but then he reaches out, running his fingers through Jason's hair. Sweaty and dirty, he doesn't care. ]
You're not alone, alright? I wanted you to know that.
Babs? ( A brow flicked up. ) Please, we barely know one another. ( He dismissed the idea and goes fishing for a smoke. Hasn't touched the food yet but that milkshake is being put to work as a cold compress. Its not that he isn't hungry or grateful. He's just not sure how well he stomachs meals yet. )
She's a cop, isn't it in their blood to hate street kids? That aside, if she's any good at being a cop then she's obligated to act when I shoot a gangster in the head. You're not, you're just likely to. ( He inhaled, putting aside the milkshake to lay back against the cement balcony wall again. That was always going to be a point of contention. He knew it, he was prepared for it. Jason was just as angry as he had always been. It just... it had more focus, now. And he's left the need to impress people behind.
The hand shook him out of those thoughts, though. And for a moment those pale blue eyes locked with Grasyon's warm browns. A lot of emotions bubbled up. A lot of conflicting ones. He let it be there for a moment before moving to brush it off, eyes casting offward. )
[ But Jason's always been the type to dismiss that sort of thing. He gets it, but he knows Babs cared about him. ]
You know, she's the one that got me to open up about everything that happened with you. To face it all. She doesn't hate you.
[Dick doesn't mind if Jason doesn't eat right now, as long as he easts at some point, maybe when he's feeling a little better. He does mind the idea of Jason going out and shooting gangsters in the head, though he's not at all surprised by it.]
Is that what you're planning to do?
[Dick still can't get over how much clearer Jason's eyes are now, when he looks at him. It's painful to think about how deep he got sucked in before this. With Crane, with those drugs, with his anger, fear and pain. Dick lets his hand get brushed away, giving a small nod because yeah, he gets that too. He unwraps his burger instead, taking a bite.]
I'm not going to tell you there's another way. You already know what's out there. Bruce's ways never quite worked for me either.
( He wasn't expecting to hear that first part. You know, the whole Babs not actually thinking he's an unstable psychopath and honestly Jason wouldn't be able to blame her for thinking that. He was, sort of. Wasn't everyone who came under Bruce's care? Problem wasn't that Jason dismissed it, though. The problem was that he couldn't believe it. And maybe things would have ended the same way whether or not the Titans actually gave him a fucking chance.
And you know, that's sort of what he'd been thinking about lately. During this whole getting clean bullshit. Just how inevitable it all fucking was. Like he said on the ledge of that roof. And he was ready to walk, he really was. Jason just has this curse that follows him around and its not any supernatural garbage, its him. It's just who he fucking is. As a person.
And that was kind of hard to swallow but he always knew it. Why else did he do all the stupid shit he did? In the midst of all this, his hardcore zoning out and chain-smoking, Dick's question knocked him out of it. hard to hide from all the shit when your head is swarming and you can't be as active as you usually are due to withdrawal. )
No, she doesn't hate you. But yeah, what if I am? ( At least, even though he did just zone the fuck out it was a lot less drug-induced and a lot more I'm going through withdrawal and facing a bunch of my personal thoughts about myself. Which was a lot more alive and himself than he'd been in some time.
More on that later: Dick justβ well he didn't agree but he also didn't disagree. Jason peered back over to him. ) Some people deserve to die, Dick. Joker deserved to die. ( He's quiet about that one for a moment because, you know, never would Jason have believed Bruce would ever do something like that. For him. It was... shocking. But he was thankful, and maybe it was part of what helped him heal a lot faster than he might have. Horrible as that was to say. ) You, Bats, the rest of them all. You can have the weirdos. Calendar Man's in your arena, have at it. Go mad with Mad Hatter, I don't give a shit. They get in my way, I might have a problem. Otherwise, whatever.
The mobsters, though? People who prey on the disenfranchised and mentally unwell, use kids, and pump drugs into low-income homes. Those guys are mine, Dick.
[ Dick's not so sure it was all inevitable. He knows he could have done better in a lot of ways, but especially with Jason. If he had, would they still be here on the other side of a war zone? If the rest of the Titans had given Jason a chance, would it have gotten this bad? He's not sure, but in the end it doesn't matter. They can't change it. All they can do is go from here, and he wants to be here this time.
Some might say it's too late, but Dick doesn't think so. He knows it's not, just based on the fact that they're both sitting here together tonight, talking about all of this.
What if I am? Jason asks, and Dick wonders. What would he do? He knows what Babs would do, but would he do the same? He lets out a long sigh, grabbing the milkshake to take a sip, then sets it back down in front of Jason. He's quiet as Jason explains himself, and it all seems so much more rational than anything the other has said in a long time. He's quiet for even longer than that, mulling it over in his head. ]
You remember when Trigon was here, inside our heads, showing us our darkest paths? You were there in mine, coming to ask for help, trying to get me to come back to Gotham so I could stop Bruce from killing the Joker. I did go back to try and stop him but it was all too late. He killed Joker, he stormed Arkham and he killed everyone there too. He was almost unstoppable and in the end I killed him to stop him. But that wasn't the reality of it and it won't ever be. It's not that black and white. I get that.
You and I, we've been on both sides of this- life and death- and I know what it's like to come out on the other side. That's why I came to find you, and that's why I'm going to tell you this. I don't like it, I don't agree with it, but I'm not going to stand in your way.
But Jason... think about your lines. The ones you draw for yourself. Don't cross them. All of that can get blurry real fast, and you know where that gets us.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Date: 2021-11-29 12:05 am (UTC)Dick's got a few spotty bruises along his jaw as well, but Jason's split lip is hard to beat. Especially because it makes those lips that much harder not to stare at.
He raises a hand when Jason starts looking around for him and waits for him to come over, glad that he actually showed. He could really get used to it, though he knows he shouldn't just yet. ]
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Date: 2021-11-29 12:42 am (UTC)He crosses over and slouches down opposite Dick, not looking any more like he slept than Dick does.]
Hey. Took a while, I was across town.
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Date: 2021-11-29 12:47 am (UTC)[ Dick keeps his tone light, though it's not hard to do, considering brightness in Jason's smile, even if it's gone quick, and his slouchy nature, which always lingers. ]
Looks like you got into it last night. Did you ice that lip?
[ He knows he's going to get a dad comment or something of the sort, but he just can't help himself. he slides a menu over to Jason while he's at it. ]
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Date: 2021-11-29 01:39 am (UTC)Whatever they call a Red Eye here, I'll take.
[He touches a finger to his lip reflexively and rolls his eyes.]
Nah. It's fine. I'll put something on it later. It was just a lucky shot.
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Date: 2021-11-29 02:08 am (UTC)You mean like this one? Mine is just straight up though, no sugar. Get some food too, though. I think I'm going to try their egg white omelet.
[ He gives a nod, but doesn't poke at the situation. He knows all about those lucky shots. ]
What'd the guy do?
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Date: 2021-11-29 02:57 am (UTC)Why do you hate yourself? Sugar's not gonna kill you.
[Jason pokes through the menu some more, but sighs, clearly fighting with himself before groaning. The thing is, it's a funny story, even if it's at his expense.]
Okay, so shut up before I tell you this. I wasn't doing shit but some recon last night. But before I got to the spot, I grabbed food, and a couple of blocks over I heard someone yelling. So I went to check it out and a couple of dumb kids were taking off with this old lady's chicken. I didn't even know people could have chickens here if they weren't in a bucket. So I grabbed the chicken to give back. The little shit bit me and I almost dropped it, and had to grab it again, wasn't looking, and when I stood up the old lady clocked me with a purse full of rolls of nickels 'cause she thought I was one of the kids.
[He shrugs.]
But she gave me free dinner when she realized. Pretty damn good, too.
@Jason
Date: 2022-08-17 01:19 am (UTC)Dick can't stop thinking about him- how much he helped them in the end, how he came back to make his peace with Bruce. How no matter what Jason put out there, he really was just trying to find his place, and now he's displaced yet again. He'll never forgive Jason for killing Hank, but all of this is so much more complicated than that. He can't forget the way Jason sounded when he asked to come back home.
Despite what Jason told Bruce, Dick's almost positive that Jason isn't going to leave Gotham, and neither will he or the Titans. Maybe they should, but setting things back on track here in Gotham feels like a priority. Dick knows it's his mess to clean up anyway, just as much as Red Hood's.
In the end it's the date that convinces Dick to reach out, though he waffles with what to say for half the day before he finally just sends a message.]
Hey. Can we meet up?
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Date: 2022-08-18 09:05 am (UTC)But he wasn't afraid anymore. Drugs or no fucking drugs, he was done. It's just... that all of Gotham had to experience Jason fucking Todd's journey to find himself after being dead as shit, bro. He's never going to forgive himself for some of the things that he's done either. And maybe some part of him hoped-- no, a big part of him hoped that someone else could do it for him. But he knew they couldn't.
So he made his amends as much as he could. To Bruce, to Dick. And for the first while did consider picking up and heading out. Just leaving it all behind. But Gotham was his home, and it was dirty, and violent, and even Hell itself might be nicer, but it was his. And he could fill in a gap he knew Bruce wouldn't touch. He knew he could.
But first: putting shit back together.
The text was--eh, surprising, yeah. Wasn't really expecting to be in contact with anyone after all that. Frankly, Jason's been so preoccupied he hadn't even noticed the date. Molly might have said something but, you know. He's kind of been avoiding her. )
Where?
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Date: 2022-08-19 03:31 am (UTC)With all of that in mind, Jason texting him back is a relief. ]
Wherever works best for you. I know you're laying low.
[The last thing Dick wants is to drag him out into the wide open when there are still quite a few people gunning for Red Hood.]
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Date: 2022-08-19 07:12 pm (UTC)I'll send a pin.
( A few moments later a pin came in, and it was exactly where Dick likely expected. Deep into the Narrows; the top floor of one of many crammed highrise buildings. It was exactly what someone would expect it to look like. Small, a mattress for a bed and a couch. Milk crates for tables. The fridge was loud. The stove was old. The lighting worked sometimes, but brownouts were frequent. The TV was ancient and there was no AC. Just some old fans.
But it was fine. He's lived like this before, but when Dick arrives it's the shitty concrete balcony where Jay could be found. Sitting, hidden behind the slab walls. Smoking a cigarette. And he looked worst for wear. Sweaty beyond what summer should have someone, tired. )
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Date: 2022-08-20 02:34 am (UTC)Be there soon.
[ He messages back, then heads out, stopping at Jason's favorite burger joint to grab them some food. He's not sure how Jason's doing, but the guy's gotta eat either way- Especially on his birthday- hopefully always. Dick knows how things used to be for him before Bruce.
When he gets to the address Jason dropped he heads into the building and up the stairs, knocking on Jason's door. Once, twice, before he decides to head inside. He's hesitant, but there's this worry that spikes inside of him as well, which pushes him forward, slowly glancing around the place as he moves through it. There's not much to move through, not a whole lot to look at, but he does spot the open window and the smell of cigarette smoke wafting inside. Dick realizes then how tense he's been because he really didn't know what he'd find. ]
Jason?
[He calls out finally, sticking his head out the window.]
so sorry this took me awhile
Date: 2022-08-23 12:17 pm (UTC)Not in this state, though. Which honestly, he could be worse. He'd tried to stop drinking once and that was a fucking nightmare. Jason had some experience with the whole withdrawal thing already, and he had vivid memories when his mom tried a few times. She did try, she did... and he'd forgotten that. He'd been so mad at her and himself over that lethal dose he'd forgotten that she never wanted to be that way. It's just sometimes... sometimes the pain is too much. And wasn't that why he started drinking in the first place?
Yeah, like it or not he was a lot like his mother. And about as stupid as his father. He really was their child. )
Sup. ( As far as looks go, well he could honestly look worse, too. Didn't look great. Sweaty and kind of waxy skin. Extremely tired eyes. His hands had a bit of a shake to them when they plucked the smoke from his lips. ) What, you never seen a dumbass in withdrawal before?
( He nods for Dick to join him on the balcony. )
it's always okay!
Date: 2022-08-24 04:44 am (UTC)You should have told me.
[ Or maybe he should have known better, but he had no idea what would happen with this drug, or if Jason really was clean when they spoke in those tunnels. He did as much with the drug as he could, but he never did find out much about it. ]
I could have brought something to help.
[Dick frowns, holding the fast food bag up as he comes to sit next to Jason, resisting the urge to check his vitals and all that.]
Instead I brought food.
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Date: 2022-08-24 12:26 pm (UTC)Speaking of, he shoots Dick a look. ) Like what, dude? We have no idea what can help with this shit outside of anxiety meds, maybe. ( He shrugs. ) Probably wont help with anything else, though. ( He hasn't quit drinking, yet. One thing at a time. But he's drinking a lot less.
There's a moment. His eyes shift over to where Grayson sits beside him, and his urge? Honestly? He just wants to collapse on him. They'd never been that close. He hadn't been that close with anyone in a long time and... he didn't really want to count Rose in all that. But Jason was tired. God, he was tired. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally fucking tired. )
Food's good, man. Thanks. ( A shocker, that. He said thanks. )
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Date: 2022-08-28 02:51 am (UTC)[ The look Jason shoots him is good. It's very Jason, and that much Dick can appreciate, even after all of this. To think, how it took all this for him to feel this way. It's shitty all around. At least he can admit that now too.
Dick would probably think he was losing his own mind if Jason collapsed on him, but he'd get it. Dick can feel the tiredness seeping out of his bones in every direction. Withdrawal is hard and complicated. Even more so when it isn't like any other drug out there. ]
I even got you a milkshake. The cold might help.
[Dick digs into the bag and pulls it out, holding it up to him, then pulls over a small crate that's on the balcony and sets the bag of food down. Jason thanking him is taken in stride with a small nod. It's not the first thank you Dick's gotten from him recently, and just goes to show how much things have shifted.]
I had a feeling you'd decide to stay in Gotham.
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Date: 2022-08-28 08:41 pm (UTC)As for how long its been going on... Mm, let him think. Jason's head knocked back against the concrete divider between his apartment and the next, his eyes looked up at the concrete of the balcony above him, and for a moment he'd forgotten what Dick had even asked. Stickly curls stuck to a dirty greasy face, yeah it was pretty much like being at home. They often got their electricity or water turned off. Places like this half the time it wasn't even because you didn't pay rent or bills, it was just because places like this sucked. It just reminded him of home so much.
Wait, Dick asked a question. A finger came up to scratch at the side of his nose. ) Can't remember, really. Shit sort of blurs together. It's not as bad as it was. Might be coming around, actually.
( Felt like a lie sometimes; felt like a big lie. Felt like this was never going to end. He knew this was what it always felt like; it's why it was so hard. Seconds turn into minutes, minutes to hours, hours to days. He quietly takes the drink and almost smashes it (gently) against the side of his face. Oh, yeah. That's nice. )
Yeah, wellβ you know me. You can kick me out of Gotham but you can't kick the Gotham out of me.( A moment. ) You probably also can't kick me out of Gotham, actually. But I figured the porkers wanted to hear some shit about why they'll never have to deal with me again and for a real split second I considered it.
( His eyes turn down to watch Dick pull up a crate and start unpacking food. No, no this was home. This was all he wanted. This was all he ever fucking wanted. It wasn't found in mansions. It wasn't found in money. )
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Date: 2022-08-30 01:32 am (UTC)He watches as Jason drifts away in thought, and for a moment he almost reaches out to hold onto his shoulder to try and ground him, but that's never been their thing either. ]
You'll feel better once it really is over. And not just physically.
[ Though he wonders if Jason will ever feel okay again. Has Jason ever really been okay, though? Maybe not, but this kind of guilt can weigh on a person. He knows it well. Zucco, Jericho, maybe not the same as Hank, but their blood is still on his hands.
At least there are small things that can help Jason feel a little better for now. The milkshake, the food, and hopefully the company.]
It's better if you stay. In the end I think it's better.
[ What would Jason do out there, aimlessly? At least here there's less of a chance of him drifting- although that's what he thought to himself in the first place, one Jason left the Tower and headed back to Gotham. How very wrong he was. But this is home, for both him and Jason, even if it took them a long time go get here. ]
And you know, then I'd have a longer way to track you down on your birthday.
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Date: 2022-08-30 12:53 pm (UTC)I think Gordan will disagree with you but she'll get over it.
( As for being okay... probably not. He'll never get over what he did to Hank. That blood will always be on his hands; the weight will always be on his shoulders. He'll learn, eventually, how to carry it. But that's all he can do. Carry it. )
I need to make amends. In my own way, at least. ( He rolls a bit after putting down the shake and fishes out a pack of smokes to spark one up. Take a nice long drag off it. ) Which she'll also hate, but whatever. ( This was home. And someone needed to protect the places no one else would. Bruce only touched the Alley once a year, and never touched the Narrows. Someone had to.
What comes next makes him pause, though. Hold on a moment, what fucking day was itβ ) Oh, Uhβ ( he shrugs and looks away. Heart racing. Someone gave a shit; Dick gave a shit and he didn't know how to feel about it. ) Why celebrate? I mean. I'm technically dead.
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Date: 2022-09-10 06:57 pm (UTC)She cares a lot about you too, you know. Give her time, she'll come around.
[ Jason making amends is important. Not just for Gotham and the people he hurt, but for himself too. Dick's been trying to make his own amends too, so he gets it. But still, he wonders... ]
Why do you think she'll hate you making amends?
[ Jason's reaction is not surprising, and Dick knew it might be a touchy subject either way, but he didn't want this day to go completely forgotten. Jason died and now he's alive again, and no matter what happened in between, Jason alive is always going to be better than Jason dead. ]
But you're not dead. You're sitting here with me, having this conversation, and you have no idea how relieved I am about that.
[ Dick hesitates, but then he reaches out, running his fingers through Jason's hair. Sweaty and dirty, he doesn't care. ]
You're not alone, alright? I wanted you to know that.
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Date: 2022-09-12 11:28 pm (UTC)She's a cop, isn't it in their blood to hate street kids? That aside, if she's any good at being a cop then she's obligated to act when I shoot a gangster in the head. You're not, you're just likely to. ( He inhaled, putting aside the milkshake to lay back against the cement balcony wall again. That was always going to be a point of contention. He knew it, he was prepared for it. Jason was just as angry as he had always been. It just... it had more focus, now. And he's left the need to impress people behind.
The hand shook him out of those thoughts, though. And for a moment those pale blue eyes locked with Grasyon's warm browns. A lot of emotions bubbled up. A lot of conflicting ones. He let it be there for a moment before moving to brush it off, eyes casting offward. )
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Date: 2022-09-12 11:44 pm (UTC)[ But Jason's always been the type to dismiss that sort of thing. He gets it, but he knows Babs cared about him. ]
You know, she's the one that got me to open up about everything that happened with you. To face it all. She doesn't hate you.
[Dick doesn't mind if Jason doesn't eat right now, as long as he easts at some point, maybe when he's feeling a little better. He does mind the idea of Jason going out and shooting gangsters in the head, though he's not at all surprised by it.]
Is that what you're planning to do?
[Dick still can't get over how much clearer Jason's eyes are now, when he looks at him. It's painful to think about how deep he got sucked in before this. With Crane, with those drugs, with his anger, fear and pain. Dick lets his hand get brushed away, giving a small nod because yeah, he gets that too. He unwraps his burger instead, taking a bite.]
I'm not going to tell you there's another way. You already know what's out there. Bruce's ways never quite worked for me either.
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Date: 2022-09-19 08:59 pm (UTC)And you know, that's sort of what he'd been thinking about lately. During this whole getting clean bullshit. Just how inevitable it all fucking was. Like he said on the ledge of that roof. And he was ready to walk, he really was. Jason just has this curse that follows him around and its not any supernatural garbage, its him. It's just who he fucking is. As a person.
And that was kind of hard to swallow but he always knew it. Why else did he do all the stupid shit he did? In the midst of all this, his hardcore zoning out and chain-smoking, Dick's question knocked him out of it. hard to hide from all the shit when your head is swarming and you can't be as active as you usually are due to withdrawal. )
No, she doesn't hate you. But yeah, what if I am? ( At least, even though he did just zone the fuck out it was a lot less drug-induced and a lot more I'm going through withdrawal and facing a bunch of my personal thoughts about myself. Which was a lot more alive and himself than he'd been in some time.
More on that later: Dick justβ well he didn't agree but he also didn't disagree. Jason peered back over to him. ) Some people deserve to die, Dick. Joker deserved to die. ( He's quiet about that one for a moment because, you know, never would Jason have believed Bruce would ever do something like that. For him. It was... shocking. But he was thankful, and maybe it was part of what helped him heal a lot faster than he might have. Horrible as that was to say. ) You, Bats, the rest of them all. You can have the weirdos. Calendar Man's in your arena, have at it. Go mad with Mad Hatter, I don't give a shit. They get in my way, I might have a problem. Otherwise, whatever.
The mobsters, though? People who prey on the disenfranchised and mentally unwell, use kids, and pump drugs into low-income homes. Those guys are mine, Dick.
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Date: 2022-10-02 10:00 pm (UTC)Some might say it's too late, but Dick doesn't think so. He knows it's not, just based on the fact that they're both sitting here together tonight, talking about all of this.
What if I am? Jason asks, and Dick wonders. What would he do? He knows what Babs would do, but would he do the same? He lets out a long sigh, grabbing the milkshake to take a sip, then sets it back down in front of Jason. He's quiet as Jason explains himself, and it all seems so much more rational than anything the other has said in a long time. He's quiet for even longer than that, mulling it over in his head. ]
You remember when Trigon was here, inside our heads, showing us our darkest paths? You were there in mine, coming to ask for help, trying to get me to come back to Gotham so I could stop Bruce from killing the Joker. I did go back to try and stop him but it was all too late. He killed Joker, he stormed Arkham and he killed everyone there too. He was almost unstoppable and in the end I killed him to stop him. But that wasn't the reality of it and it won't ever be. It's not that black and white. I get that.
You and I, we've been on both sides of this- life and death- and I know what it's like to come out on the other side. That's why I came to find you, and that's why I'm going to tell you this. I don't like it, I don't agree with it, but I'm not going to stand in your way.
But Jason... think about your lines. The ones you draw for yourself. Don't cross them. All of that can get blurry real fast, and you know where that gets us.